I finally wrote down on paper what happened to me. And I don’t know how to feel…I had some flashbacks, some nightmares and unsettled mornings when I woke up. Some off days at work because I kept seeing his face in the air, like a ghost, only darker. And then I felt stuck. Stuck in the mud of a choice I didn’t get to make. And then I felt empowered, because I was finally able to put the events in some kind of chronological order, without allowing the memory to stop me. And it’s a wave, back and forth, a swing set of emotions I am attempting to control and navigate and let loose. And I’m trying to find some sanity within the release. Maybe it will come soon, but it’s hard now. Maybe it will never come. But, no matter what comes next, I have at least been heard by the screen that always seemed to remain daunting and blank and white as fear in front of me. Paper no longer erases my past, no longer stifles my truth. It no longer just hears, it listens and absorbs it like a sponge, accepts it like a boomerang and sends it back to me, full of power and rage and honesty and eventually peace.
And I just needed to release that.
the musings of a miss 